My devotion

Devotion: (v) 1. feelings of ardent love;
2. commitment to some purpose;

This morning I was thinking "to what I am devoted". This question did not come out of the blue. E, my yoga teacher, asked us all to consider this in the coming week. Patanjali's Sutra 1.23 states that devotion to god can lead to enlightenment, which in the yoga tradition, is a freedom from the fluctuations of an unruly mind.

I can tell you what I have ardent love for; my daughter's small soft hands, Red's fur, my grandmother's cheeks. I love the cold darkness of the mornings, catching a heron in flight, seeing the wild geese, bellies flecked with morning sun, flying low overhead. I can hear their wings beating the air. While surely love is part of devotion, love does not always come easily. So devotion can require hard work, repetition, daily practice.

I practice yoga, cultivating a writing life, being kind to bring me back to that ardent love space or compassion. These practices feel devotional not solely because they offer me so many gifts but because I practice even when it feels hard to do so, when I am faithless. In this way, perhaps, devotion entails a certain kind of hopelessness and surrender, letting go of things turning out this way or that way.

Practicing yoga when I feel very tired, heavy, anxious teaches me how such feelings change and move, are of my body but not my body. Writing when I hear voices that tell me "This is a waste of time, not very good, presumptuous of you," shows me compassion, humility, and courage. Being kind when I am angry, tired, afraid shows me that I am always connected to my heart even when the lines are frayed.

Devotion to something more than myself brings me gratitude and compassion for my body, mind, life just as it is and a greater acceptance of another's struggle. Where is god in all of this? For me, god resides in that restful, quiet, infinite space right beneath my breast bone, waiting to greet me whenever I return from straying; my devotional practices helping to bring me back, bring me back, bring me back to this home.