Little Deaths

"Equanimity allows for the mystery of things: the unknowable, uncontrollable nature of things to 
be just as they are." Frank Jude Bocco

When the ego (the small I) in desperate need of purpose, of permanence, asserts control, we die, just a little. In these little deaths, silence creeps into the body; there is less tenderness in the heart space, more stiffness in the spine, numbing of the tailbone. In these silences, we loose our connection to God (Soul, Self) which can only be experienced in the body and turn outside of our anesthetized selves for feeling, for the unconditional love we long for. But nothing outside is permanent so anxiety and ambiguity erupts. Still, we can continue to grip even tighter the reins of the wild horse which can't be tamed.

Yoga shows us a different way, to come more fully alive (our birthright afterall). Through the practice of asana (poses), devotedly, steadfastly, with vigor and great compassion, the threads binding the ego to the Soul loosen. We get glimpses of a divine spark deep in the bones, an experience of completeness that remains even as everything we love leaves us. In asana practice, after a long time, there can come (I am told, I am hoping) an effortless effort; movement for the pure experience of movement towards the soul's embrace and guidance that we long for.

Once when I felt quite lost in life a yoga teacher told me, "Just keep doing yoga." How could that possibly help me to figure out where to live, who to love, what kind of work would satisfy? I continued my practice because it felt good to be less anxious and stiff. I noticed, over time, that my body became noisy, louder, more awake. I began to listen, naturally, to my body about what it needed in each moment (for the body, the soul, god speaks to us only in the moment); a nap, a friend, a walk in the woods. Because it hurt not to, I began to follow my body's wishes and make choices that felt deeply nourishing. My life unfolded without so much effort. Not without pain, sadness, loss, and regret, but with less fear, anxiety, anticipation, little deaths.

As yoga guru BKS Iyengar tells it, with a devoted yoga practice we may be able to tie our shoes when we are 85; and more importantly live fully until we die.