Under the heart

Did you know that you can touch the underside of your heart with your breath? Yes, its true! You can move the breath up to the top of the diaphragm then into the back part of the lungs right up underneath the heart. What you might find there can be startlingly, old cobwebs of memory, bright sunlight, grace. I find it peaceful there and safe.

It had been several weeks since I was weepy and sad and missing my father in a desperate way. Then, grief snuck up on me and caught me unawares. I didn't know it was my tiring friend come to visit at first. I just felt anxious, in a fog, needing-to-get-out-of-my-skin itchiness. It seemed like some chocolate fudge might be just what I needed to feel comfortable again; but that was a mistake. Rich chocolate or yeasty foods seem like comfort but mostly just offer up empty calories and a depressingly short sugar high. Then I told someone, "I think I am missing my dad," and the acknowledgment by a sweet friend melted my heart enough so I could drop back behind it again and mourn.

I had to get out of the house (my daughter was sick for two days and I had been cooped up at home) and went to our local coop for dinner. They are so friendly there and the food is so good and beautiful. I had a splendid simple meal then coffee (free refills!) The cafe is painted a soft burnt orange. The walls were lined with fall themed oil paintings from a local artist of places I liked to visit. A severly disabled man was celebrating his birthday surrounded by loving family and friends. He got so excited, clapping his hands, when someone brought the cake to the table. It was comforting to watch life happening all around me without my having to participate. I could penetrate the sadness, hold it in my chest, then let it dissapate. I am continually surprised at how grief feels, unlike sadness or depression, but lighter, more disorientating, and otherworldly. I am surprised at how much time it takes up in my life to sit with it, feel its textures, make sense of death, illness, loss.

I hope we do more backbends in yoga tomorrow to open up my heart in all its rich dimensions.